


My Princess Playbook

by ferrisulich



Series: The Dagroth's Devouring [4]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: F/M, How to Woo a Princess in 10 easy steps, I'm not kidding, Other, Phyllite is a published author canon, Playbook, Pre-Campaign, it's canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25116337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferrisulich/pseuds/ferrisulich
Summary: – The Ways I, Phyllite, Approach WomenAKA: my player writes an in-character playbook about how his character gets will all the royal npcs and convinces me to publish it in game as canon content
Relationships: Phyllite & Tal-Yana, Phyllite/Carmen, Phyllite/Glenda, Phyllite/Jeen, Phyllite/Princesses
Series: The Dagroth's Devouring [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1697272
Kudos: 4





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> To Glenda, the most important women in my life, and the kid I didn’t get to teach these lessons to.

Hey, so if you’re reading this you are probably bad at picking up women, or like, you just want to get better. Either way, you found the right book. You see, I wrote this book. I am Phyllite, or ‘The Rock’ to the good people of Cyric. In it you’ll be learn valuable lessons about how to think and act when approaching a woman you are interested in. Sadly, for the people who are interested in people who aren’t women, I don’t have much practice in that area, so I haven’t really become an expert. You already bought this book though so you might as well read it or give it to someone, I’m pretty sure my charm works on every gender on Amael. For everyone else though: congratulations, your love life has been saved. I just wanna clear up a few things before we start.

First, you may have noticed the word ‘princess’ in my title. That doesn’t mean my methods will only work on royalty, it’s just that those are the types of people I usually end up with so…yeah. You know, princesses, high nobles, the best weapon in all the land. But I know for a fact that I’m charming to people of all ranks and classes so don’t worry about it.

Next, it’s important to really keep all of the chapters in mind when courting someone. I know it seems hard and like only someone with as much skill as me can do it but if you practice, you’ll probably figure it out. You can’t ignore part of the book or it will change how you come across and you’ll lack that Phyllite Charm™…you know?

Also, always bring a coat out west. That doesn’t really have anything to do with the book but it’s just good advice. I’m so cold right now…

Last, I am going to address the dragon in the room - my lineage. Yes, as many of you obviously know from my reputation, I am part Genasi and very good looking. I know it might seem like I use some kind of genie magic or my beautiful chiseled features more than these tips (and maybe there’s truth to that) but my success is more and more consistent as I learn more and more of these tips so…I think they play a big part. So whether you look more like me or an abyssal chicken, this book will work for you!

So there you have it, all my notes. The rest of this book will be exactly what you expect from someone as tantalizing as me – the unexpected. An amazing combination of great advice and thrilling stories of some of my adventures! That’s right, not only will I ignite your love life into a giant, roaring, hot, bright flame (which is a big deal because I’m not a fire Genasi), you also get great stories about my fascinating life. Lucky you! I wish I could read something this cool, but I guess that’s the curse of being the most badass barbarian in the world – I gotta write them. Read it real slow and pay very close attention or you might have to read it again, which…urgh. Am I right?


	2. Chapter 1 – Glenda

_*Just so you know I wrote this chapter before I decided to share my genius with the world so it’s a little like a letter to…well just to someone I was hoping to teach this stuff to.*_

Ah, Glenda. The first woman to ever catch my eye, and, I mean, it’s me so you already know she’s gotta be impressive. I first saw her when I decided to leave Talona – where I assume I was born, or at least dropped off as a baby. I’d robbed…well, most of the residents of my city and the ones around it so I figured it was time to leave when the mob started knocking on doors looking for me. I didn’t really know where I was going but I knew it was going to have a lot of clueless rich idiots for me rob. 

Anyway, it had been about a week since I left. It was a really clear night and I could see the glow of a fire that was pretty close. I decided it seemed like a pretty good place to get some food, some cash, some cool stuff, and a fight. I really wanted the fight cause I was just starting to learn to rage and I really liked it. It was like double punching someone with one punch. Really great feeling…

So I started walking towards them as quiet as I could, trying not to step on any twigs. I had to know how many there were and where they were all standing so I could charge in to beat them all from the best entry point. Back then I like to run in closest to where the most of them were so I could take a lot out quick. My strategies are different now, I mean, you know. You saw me with those guys when we left thePeninsulas. 

That’s all the background stuff though. This is the good part – where Glenda comes in. The closer I got to the little clearing where the fire was lit the louder they got. It was a pair of idiots drinking, singing, and just being loud for no reason. I like to think I saved them cause if they had kept going they would have probably attracted a dire wolf or a giant rat or something. It all turned out fine though because when I stepped out it shut them up. I was already raging and ready when I saw her. The guy could’ve been a short human or elf, or maybe just a tall dwarf. I don’t know, but he reached for Glenda and couldn’t really manage to grab her handle. He kept swinging out his hand and missing, so I had time to admire her. She had, and still has, a gorgeously designed handle and such a sturdy, heavy-looking…hammer part. You know - the part you hit with. I mean you know, you saw her every day. Despite her beauty though, this guy had clearly been mistreating her. She looked like she hadn’t ever been washed and her handle had some rusting, not to mention all the unbuffed scratches… urgh…just the thought of it makes me nauseous.

From the second I saw her nothing else mattered. I needed that hammer. I would keep her clean and shiny and happy. These guys didn’t deserve her. She needed to be rescued! At about the same time that I thought that, the first guy managed to grab her handle. (The other had stumbled over, thrown up, and passed out.) I got ready to spring into action as he lifted it above his head, but then something amazing happened. Before I could even take a step, the guy swung Glenda down and she blew out his knee. It kinda did that thing where a knee or an elbow (or a shoulder if you’re really good) bends out backwards and then gets stuck that way. It was beautiful. The guy fell down, moaned for a while, and then, I assume, passed out. 

While all that happened, I walked around the camp and found the food, money, etc. Then I walked over to Glenda and I knew; we would be together forever. She must have seen me the same way I saw her and decided we should hook up, ya know? So I grabbed the second guy’s shirt and soaked it in a nearby stream and washed all the dirt and grime off of her and headed back out on my journey.

We’ve been fighting together ever since. We’ve got a good thing going. She helps me beat up the people who stand in my way or threaten me or really annoy me or insult me and I make sure she gets well taken care of. I clean her every night and I make sure to check for rust and scuffs. One of these days I’m gonna get her a really nice upgrade or something. Reinforce her handle or strengthen her hammer part, something really cool. The point is, it all worked out really well.

So I know what you’re thinking. _Phyllite, I’m not as smart and cool as you. I can’t see your point_. Well settle down and let me explain! Women don’t like when you assume they need your help. They can handle their business when they want and need to handle their business. If Glenda had acted sooner some other bastard might have picked her up and treated her the very same! They know what they’re doing so you can’t court them like they’re helpless or dumb or whatever it is that most people do. Just treat them like you would treat anyone who knows what they’re doing. That’s rule number one of Phyllite Charm™, women don’t need you, so relax.

Now don’t feel too bad, I didn’t really get that for a couple of weeks until after I met Glenda and started seeing more of the world. She’s just the one who showed me first. So, it’s okay that you needed me to teach you. It’s a Phyllite Guarantee that if you keep this in mind along with the rest of my lessons that you’ll do tons better courting that special warhammer.

Also, I guess another important thing is to treat women well, but I feel like you should have already known that so I don’t feel like I have to explain this…

Oh and also, this doesn’t have to do with women but another lesson is that only an idiot drinks without a strong, chiseled, sober friend around to make sure no one robs you blind and leaves you bleeding in the woods. Alcohol’s kinda gross anyway so whatever.

So the lesson is conclude here (learned that word from a stuffy lady at an inn a couple months ago, it means I’m done in case you didn’t know). There you have it, tip number one. If you find yourself a girl who doesn’t mind moody guys and giant fireballs then you can definitely use this.


	3. Chapter 2 – Carmen

It didn’t take long after finding Glenda for me to meet the people who taught me these next two lessons. I’m going to start with Carmen, a high noble woman from Cyric. Cyric is a weird place. So I guess it makes sense that how we ended up meeting was weird.

After finding Glenda I wandered in a kinda eastward direction. I didn’t want to end up on the water, so I went a little north-east. Eventually I ended up outside the walls of Cyric. On my walk up towards the main city – where all the rich people lived – a dragonborn decided I looked like a slave and tried to nab me. I can’t blame him, I do look extremely strong so I’d be a major advantage for whoever I worked for. But I’m no slave. Glenda and I took care of him pretty easily, and I looted him. He didn’t have much gold on him but he did have a token so I grabbed that and his (almost empty) money bag.

It was smooth sailing from there. Or like, smooth walking, I guess. I got up to the wall and a creepy little guard man stopped me and gestured for me to show him something. When flexing didn’t work I took out the token and he let me through. Turns out the Dragonborn was useful after all. When I got into the city I decided to wander up towards the center until I saw somewhere that either looked like a good place to sleep or to rob. It took a long time, and Cyric has a really confusing layout, but I finally found a neighbourhood with big houses that I could tell very few people lived in. Here’s a tip, the bigger the house the easier it is to break into even when everybody’s home.

I was like a kid in an unguarded sweet-meat shop. I walked up to the first house that I laid eyes on. The only lights that were on were downstairs, so I walked around the house to look for a way in – and boy did I find one. The back of the house had glass doors that led in to an uninhabited hallway. Since I could see the entire room, I decided to just slip in. The doors were unlocked. Unlocked!

Inside I could hear some voices coming from the other side of the wall, at least two people were talking, but all that told me was that I could head to the other side of the house and start grabbing the most expensive looking stuff. I snuck around for a bit, grabbing a lot of silverware and a few other things, until I heard someone knock on the door. I wasn’t sure what to expect so I ran upstairs and hid. This worked just fine for me cause no one was up there and there was a lot of expensive looking stuff. Whatever, this is getting long. The point is I snuck around a bunch and then this chick found me. We almost fought, or we kind of fought, but she came up with a proposition. If I helped her out tonight by pretending to be her ‘champion’, she wouldn’t tell any guards about what I was up to in the city. Seemed like an easy enough decision. She told me her name was Carmen and introduced me to her younger sister – Tal-Yana.

The rest of the night went pretty well. Her rich friends seemed impressed by my physique and just general awesomeness and I was entered into a weird, naked fighting ritual thing. I won, obviously. It wasn’t even that hard. Most of the ‘champions’ were just people who exercised a lot and hoped to magically be good fighters. I already had amazing skills from all my years of practice beating the snot out of people. So it worked out really well for the sisters. I won and brought them great honour or whatever. Nobles are so full of it. They buy people to fight for their ‘honour’ when they could just keep the money and swim in huge tubs of gold every night. Idiots.

Anyway, so at the end of the night, while Carmen tended to my wounds, we got to talking. It turns out both of her parents had just died and she needed to keep up the family’s status so she could afford to go to school and pay for whatever Tal-Yana wanted. There was a bit of a spark there, so when she suggested I stay for the night to recover from my few and minor injuries I agreed. I slept on their couch. It was softer than any bed I’d ever laid in.

The next morning, I came up with an idea – a deal. I went up to Carmen and suggested that I could stick around and pose as her champion and she could provide me with basic stuff like food, money, and a bed. Of course, I made it clear that I was not anyone’s slave. She didn’t own me like the rest of these families owned their champions. I had final say on all decisions about me. I knew from Glenda that I couldn’t waltz up to her like a saviour or anything though. It had to be a fair deal that was good for everyone. I think that made it a lot easier for her to accept.

Of course, it didn’t take long for her to fall in love with me. I’m kind of irresistible so, you know, it was bound to happen. We had to spend a lot of time together making decisions so that when we were in front of other people Carmen could pretend they were orders or whatever it is these people gave to their slaves. During all of those long nights, Carmen had to resist my charm, amazing personality, and chiseled good looks. One night, when she couldn’t anymore, she asked if she could kiss me. I can’t lie, she wasn’t half bad herself, so I agreed. From then on, we were kind of a little family. Me, her, and her sister. Tal-Yana and me were close from the day we met so when me and Carmen got together it was really nice. We all loved each other, and I never lost a match for them, so life was good.

I think the way we first met made it really easy for us to talk. Ya know, after spending two weeks trying to figure out how to justify a champion never mounting his opponent without tipping people off to my freedom, you can kinda talk about anything. ‘Mounting’ by the way, is a really weird and kind of terrible tradition in Cyric. Like these people are already slaves, what are you doing? If you ask me, someone should really take all the nobles in that lordship down a peg. (heh…get it?)

But back to my main story, we got along really well. For years we had everything worked out and we were all happy. Tal-Yana was growing up and started wanting to be a soldier for Cyric and Carmen was breezing through code-breaking school. That’s kind of where the trouble started. When she graduated, Carmen didn’t really need a champion anymore. Her family’s honour or whatever was safe because she had a fancy new job working really high up for the lordship.

One day, she told me so. She started talking about how she didn’t need me to fight for her anymore and how I was free to go. She was talking like we hadn’t just spent years working together to fool everyone. Here’s the thing though. We always talked about everything. It wasn’t just champion stuff. We made sure we were both okay with all of the stuff in our family, we listened to each other. For the first time ever, I had people who I could talk to about anything and they did the same with me. So when she started talking about all this stuff I took it seriously. It was kinda funny, we were in the Lordship of lies but we always told each other the truth. So, when she told me she didn’t need me and that I should go, I left. I knew she was telling me the truth.

Looking back, I think that was one of the only times she was drunk, we decided to celebrate that night and she decided to have a few glasses of wine. It was a little weird because usually she only had a glass of wine at dinner parties. Sometimes I wonder if maybe her noble ‘honour’ was making her say all that stuff. I don’t really think so though. I mean, come on, it’s me. Phyllite Charm TM is way more powerful than honour. But that’s not really my point.

The point is that, you have to listen to a woman you’re courting. You guys have to listen to each other, even when it’s hard. I mean think about it. If we didn’t talk the way we did then we would never have gotten to know each other, Carmen would have never asked to kiss me, and we wouldn’t have been happy for all those years. Also, if I didn’t leave when she wanted, I never would have met the kid who made me want to write this book. Then you would be totally lost! Your love life wouldn’t be saved! So no matter how much it hurts, you have to listen. Most people leave anyway so it’s better to accept it and just get out in front of it anyway. But yeah, make sure you always listen to what a woman wants before doing anything, talk, and make your decisions together. That’s the advice for the chapter in case you couldn’t tell.

Carmen wasn’t the only woman I met in Cyric though. Like I said. Tal-Yana and I were really close so that’s what the next chapter is about! Anyway, hope you liked this chapter and uh…this book. I mean, the book isn’t over obviously. There are more pages and stuff but I’m just saying I hope you like it. Though I don’t see how you could not like it.


	4. Chapter 3 – Tal-Yana

I met Tal-Yana a couple minutes after I met Carmen. The first thing she did was insult me. Usually I’d be mad, but she was this tiny kid with such a big attitude. She was funny and strong, just like yours truly, so we hit it off right away. Like I already said, we met after I broke into her house and got sucked into being their family’s champion for the night. Tal-Yana wasn’t there when me and Carmen agreed on this, so she had to kinda jump in and play along without knowing what was happening. She was good, and most importantly she spent the night insulting all the other pompous asses at the table. She was a kid though, so they let it slide. She’s really the best.

Another thing I already mentioned is that by the time me and Carmen got together, me and Tal-Yana were already super close. It’s true, we became like best friends in a couple of weeks – even faster than with Carmen. I think its cause she kept sticking her nose in all of my business. She pretty much used her hard head as a battering ram into friendship. I didn’t mind though, like I said, she reminded me of me so it was great.

During the years I spent in Cyric, we became like siblings. We’re closer than I am with anyone else I’ve ever met*. I like to think my awesomeness rubbed off on her. I taught her not to take shit from anyone, and how to fight, and how to deal with idiots, and a lot about the best people to steal from and how to do it. We just got along really well. Our personalities mixed easily from the day we met each other. The point is we are really really close. Like, kinda even closer than me and Carmen were.

*I wrote this before I met Cackle. Me and him are really close in a different way but I feel like I should mention it because Tal-Yana and Cackle are both close to me so I didn’t want anyone to feel bad.

_So what? Did you take her when you had to leave? Did you just abandon her? Also why are you telling me about a kid, I thought this book was for courting women?_ Gods, shut up will you? I’m getting to it. So yeah, things were going well, we were all happy, yada yada, and sure enough a person I care about decides to leave. Now what? Carmen wanted me gone but Tal-Yana didn’t. So I talked to her, and we both got mad at her sister then we made a deal. I had to write a letter to her at least once every month and I had to come visit at least twice a year. And I left.

Before I ended up on this trip out west we sent letters every couple days and I visited Cyric most months just to see her. Now I don’t know though. I want to go see her as soon as I get back to the peninsula’s, but I’m worried these Bhaal creeps will be after me and they might hurt her**. I still send her letters though. I make sure she know’s where I am and what’s going on. I’m not leaving her. I don’t know, but anyway, the point is that we make sure to keep up to date with each other. Tal-Yana tells me about joining the military and stuff that’s bothering her and whatever and I tell her about where I’m travelling and what’s up with me.

** Lucky you, you’re reading the updated version of my book and I can give you the low-down on what happened. I’m the lord of Talos now (yeah, not a huge surprise, I know) and her sister is the Lord of Cyric so I pretty much visit her every month and, spoiler alert, she’s my kid’s godmother. I would have made Cackle godfather but it’s not really his type of thing. Anyway, back to the great advice.

_Okay, cool. But I still can’t see the lesson on courting women here…_ Geez, people relax. Don’t I always explain? How dare you doubt my genius after I proved it like a thousand times in this book alone? So the lesson is pretty clear I think, but obviously not everyone has my brains. Sometimes you meet someone who’s really great and who’s like perfect, but for whatever reason you or they don’t want to court. Here it was because Tal-Yana was a kid and we just had like sibling kind of feelings. Ya know? But I’ve met other really cool people who just never became like courting-type people. You know what I mean? Like we just didn’t see each other like that. So the lesson is that, just because you meet someone and they seem perfect doesn’t mean you should try and force your relationship to be like love-y. If you act like an angry orc trying to punch through a dungeon wall then you’ll probably just never get to talk to that person again – which would suck. Just relax and let things happen. Besides, when you learn this you seem super laid back which is a big part of Phyllite Charmä.

Also, it’s important to work hard if you want to keep a relationship going. If you don’t want to just end up leaving and falling off of the face of Amael for each other than you have to do your best to keep up with each other. Besides, if you leave first then you miss out on time you could have had before they leave so you know, it’s not the best move. Tal-Yana hasn’t left yet, so that’s a lot of extra time so far.

So those are they two women in Cyric who taught me about courting. Like I keep saying, if you keep the stuff they taught me in mind when you’re interested in courting someone then you’ll see much better results. Even if you smell like a Shambling Mound. But maybe bathe if you do also. That’s lesson number three this chapter, bathe sometimes.

Anyway! To the next chapter! It’s about a woman named Jeen I met in Bhaal. Tal-Yana was not a fan of Jeen when I told her about her in my letters. But she still taught me stuff so get ready.


	5. Chapter 4 – Jeen

Jeen came around really soon after Carmen. Like…really soon. Basically, I left Cyric and ended up in Bhaal and she heard I was there and offered me a job as a mercenary. It wasn’t really my kinda gig, but I was pretty sad about leaving Tal-Yana (and I guess Carmen too) so I agreed. She was the daughter of the lord so it paid really well. It didn’t take long for her to fall to that classic Phyllite Charmä. I wasn’t really looking for much of a relationship, but she wasn’t either so it was cool. We…got to know each other and, basically, her chambers became my quarters for my time in Bhaal.

Things were going really well for a long while. I went out and knocked off enemies of the lordship and then came back and Jeen was usually waiting for me. I was making tons of money, and I was seen as pretty great by everyone there.

But, like always, eventually she left. Well I guess it wasn’t really her fault cause she died. Still though.

It was the middle of the night and all of these bells started to go off. It felt like a Yrthak was flapping its wings in my ears. So, I shoot out of bed and Jeen is already up, stark nude, and acting like she’s going somewhere. When I asked, she told me some big family or group or something was taking over and that her father was dead. I was like “you got all that from a bell?” Then she was like “Yeah, it’s a specific warning bell.”

Obviously, I offered to use my immense strength and skill to help her take back the lordship, but she kept saying it was ‘too late’ or whatever. I told her we could at least try and she kept saying it was suicide and that neither of us really cared about each other enough to die for each other. So, I told her I’d help her escape, and she said it was no use, they’d just track her down until they killed her cause they had a list of all the possible inheritors of the throne. I said we could try anyway, and she kept saying no, so I was like “okay, whatever”. Cause I had already learned to listen to what women want from Carmen (see how my tips apply in real life situations?).

But then she started talking about how one of her brothers was adopted and how I could escape with him and protect him, so I agreed cause I was gonna escape anyway so I might as well take the kid with me. I was kinda worried about telling him he was adopted while his whole family died but then Jeen told me he already knew so it was cool.

So, I escape with the kid through this weird secret tunnel with a bunch of weird rooms and I take him to where he needed to be.

I know what you’re thinking: _but why didn’t they just ask you to kill the people from this group so they could avoid this whole situation?_ The answer is that not everyone has the brains that I have, so they probably didn’t think of it.

Also, you’re probably thinking like _Oh Phyllite come on what’s the lesson here? Obviously, I love all of your exciting stories but I need to know how to court or I’ll die alone. I don’t have the looks, talent, and smarts that you have!_

Geez chill out, I’m getting to it. Gods you people really are so impatient. You need the whole story so you can see how things turned out! In this case I survived and did a brave and galliant thing or whatever the word is. Point is, I’m all good and telling the whole story lets you know that.

Basically though, the lesson is that you gotta know your relationship. Me and Jeen had fun but we weren’t in love. Don’t sacrifice everything, especially if you’re as amazing as me, for something that isn’t real. For example, I would have stayed there and died for Tal-Yana, but for Jeen? She was nice and all, but c’mon. Imagine losing Phyllite for someone who barely got how awesome he is.

Pay attention to how much you and this other person actually like each other and be smart about it. There’s no point in giving up on your lifelong dream of being half as cool as me for someone you’ll end up leaving in a moon or two.


	6. Chapter 5 – A Quick Note about Cackle

So I’m back in the Peninsulas, and I figured I’d add another chapter before giving this to the weird gnome who wants to publish it. I already gave you all the lessons I thought up for the book, but I thought up a new one. So this is gonna be like a short extra lesson - you’re welcome.

Since I got back, I ran into someone I met once before on my way to Bhaal. His name is Cackle and I know you know that name, because I just added some notes and stuff about him in the book.

Basically, Cackle is my best bud. We hang out, we make money, and we’re probably gonna start guiding people through the Outskirts for even more cash. He doesn’t talk much but he’s almost as cool as me. He’s tough too.

This one time, we were hired to take out this goliath dude and I was having a little trouble taking him down. I could have handled him in the end (duh), but Cackle hopped in and diced up his calves while Glenda and I smashed up his head. It was so much easier with him there to help.

_So you’re dating this Cackle guy now? But what did you do to court him? Where is the advice? I don’t get it!_ Yeah, relax! Cackle’s great, but I’m not really into guys and he’s got his own special lady anyway. You’ve got to know your relationships and not push them to be something they aren’t anyway, remember? _So why are you even talking about him?_ You really need to work on getting smarter, I feel like the advice here is pretty clear. I guess that’s piece of advice one for chapter 5 – get smarter somehow. Try reading this book a few more times.

The second piece of advice is to get yourself a wingman (heh, it’s funny cause he’s a Kenku so ‘wings’…if you don’t get that you definitely need to get smarter). A great wingman can make everything so much easier, even for me, and a lot more fun. Don’t be afraid to get a really good friend to help you out. They could introduce you to that special someone, or talk you up to them, or whatever you need.

So there you have it. Follow all of the advice in this book and you’ll get just enough of that Phyllite Charmä to court that special being. I’m about to get published so I can get all this golden advice to all you poor lonely losers real soon. Or I guess now that you read this, you’re probably kinda cool. So hey, go out there and court. Also, don’t be afraid to send me your money instead of paying for a big wedding when this works. I am the one who got you to that point after all. Just go to your local magic weirdo and have them find my location so you can send me a owl.


	7. Chapter 6 – Meka

_~So congratulations, you picked up the new edition of my book. Like I said before, I’m lord of Talos now so Meka, who you’ll learn all about, is teaching me exactly how to do that job. For now, I don’t have all that much to do though, so I figured I’d update you on how my courting life ended up. This chapter won’t really have a lesson, but it’ll show you what can happen if you follow my advice._

_Basically, you get a whole extra chapter of genius._

_You’re welcome.~_

So it’s been a long time since I wrote that book and a lot has happened. I finished that last chapter right before I started guiding people through the Outskirts with Cackle. I did that for a long time and I stopped a long time ago so it’s definitely been a while. I know you’re glad to hear from me after all this time. I guess for you, you only started hearing from me when you first started reading this book so it wasn’t that long ago. I also assume a lot of you bought my old version, heard about this one, and bought it too even though the first one helped you so much and now you’re married with like…grandkids. So I guess I was talking to you mostly there. How many of your kids are named after me?

Okay so Meka walked in while I was writing that last part and told me I should stop gloating so much cause I sound like the last lord of Talos and it’s making her want to ‘vomit up everything she’s ever eaten’. That guy was a major douche. So, I guess I’ll just stop since I know that you know how great I am by now.

I can’t really say much about the context of how we met cause it’s top secret stuff. So I’ll just tell you the basic details so you can see how easily this all went for me because I followed my own rules!

We met while I was out questing with some people, pretty normal stuff. Me and Cackle were hired to basically guide these people somewhere top secret. They’ll deny that but they aren’t the brightest torches in the cave if you know what I mean. Anyway, so we were out questing and we ran into Meka and a few of her friends. One of them was kinda cool, the other was very annoying. Long story short, it wasn’t long before we slept together (sorry Dwarf). From then on we basically very slowly grew to actually care about each other. Oh there, that’s a lesson. Take your time while courting. You’re welcome.

We spent weeks together on this quest and she was great. She’s a great fighter, strong, smart, and a little stubborn so we were a lot alike. (I got slapped on the back of the head for that sentence but it’s TRUE.) Anyway, so we helped each other out on our quests until we got to Talos. Once we got there, I took out the lord. Look I’m trying to be more of a ‘better person’ now so I can’t say killing is good, but it was kinda needed at this point. Like I said the dude was a douche and he was attacking my partners and his brother was an even bigger douche so yeah, like necessary. Besides I only decided to be good after that so it’s like…whatever, ya know?

Once I killed them and became lord I was like “whoa, I’m responsible for all these people now.” Which was super weird. But I was already on a quest so I couldn’t just stop. Also, I didn’t know how to run a lordship. I would have figured it out obviously cause I’m…well, you know. So what was the first solution Meka came up with? Marrying me obviously. That way she could rightfully run things in Talos and I could finish my quest. She was also pretty clearly crazy about me so this was like two birds with one stone for her (heh, get it…cause I’m an earth Genasi…please don’t ignore that advice on getting smarter). She also already knew how to run a lordship cause she’s the daughter of the lord of Umberlee so it was a pretty good choice.

In the end I didn’t really finish my quest. We got to a point where we had some time off so I came back to learn about being lord and found out she was pregnant. A fact she never mentioned in her letters. I decided there were too many reasons to stay and not enough to go back so I did. I think Meka and then the baby and the lordship was a lot of stuff to be responsible for and ignoring. Plus this way I could keep seeing Tal-Yana, so my partners would have to live without my immense skill and strength and smarts. Not that I expect them to survive more than a week without me.

Meka kinda taught me to be taking all that stuff seriously. I guess she also taught me a lot of other stuff too like the whole being a ‘better person’ thing (obviously by that I mean like not doing things that are wrong so much and not actually being better which is kinda impossible for me since I’m basically the best). So hey, there you go, another lesson! Let the person you’re courting teach you stuff just like you let this book teach you stuff. It’ll probably help you and they’ll definitely appreciate it.

So, there you go. I’m happy and everything turned out pretty good. I still keep in touch with my partners and Cackle (duh) and they know I’ll help out if they need it (which they for sure will). Overall, I’m settled down though and you can be too if you follow all of my advice and use that Phyllite Charmä.


End file.
